We are what we choose to be.Daniel Collinsworth
This past Thanksgiving weekend, I got to spend some time with my family my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law, all of whom I love very much.
In the midst of the laughing and good times we had, I felt a heaviness bubbling up from deep within me. As it surfaced slowly, cumbersomely I felt an unshakeable sadness covering me. An old sadness, one that had been hibernating for years.
I became haunted by years worth of memories, from childhood onward of not being a good son, of not being a good big brother. Things I said and did that have left irreparable scars. It was all still there, like a briar patch in my heart and mind.
I felt overcast and morose. I drank to numb these feelings so that I could enjoy my time with my family. I felt unbearably heavy. Big, hot streams of tears came as I lay in bed that night.
Finding Center and the One Real Truth
As I set out on the hour drive back home that weekend, I allowed myself to sit with these feelings that had surfaced. Sadness, yes. Regret. The anger that I was feeling toward myself. The excruciating reality that I couldn't go back and change any of it.
Once I got home, I retreated to a deep breathing meditation. I connected with that central still point, around which the entire Universe revolves. It eased my suffering and brought clarity into my awareness.
I observed the following conversation unfolding in my mind:
What's done is done I can't change it. I can move forward from here. I can be the man I know in my heart I want to be. The man I know, deep inside, that I am. I am. I am.
And as I just kept repeating "I am" in my mind and throughout my being, I became sharply, freshly aware that it was the only real truth in all of the Universe.
I am. I am. I am.
The sadness, the regret, the heartache illusions. It was my choice to let them take up residence in my consciousness, or to let them go.
To let them go forever, and to just be I am. Not I was or I could've been.
So I chose I am. I let that old sadness go. I released it like a kite flying high into the sky, smaller and smaller until it disappeared from view.
Forgiveness knows your name, and is waiting for you.
Today, you have a choice. To be I was or I am. And the true beauty of it is, you are who you choose to be. This moment. You just choose, right now, and begin walking in the I am.
You can't rewrite the past. But you can write the story of today. Today, you are who you choose to be.
Today, you are free.